11th July 2018
I'm sitting waiting for the group assessment for the position of "Visitor Assistant" at the new V&A Building in Dundee. Everyone is sitting together in an arrangement of sofas and cube chairs, but I am off to the side. It looked far too cramped. I had the fear when I looked in the foyer, where everyone looked so smart. Heels and skirts and suits. Well, not everyone. That's unfair. One of them has a tote bag from a London Museum. I think that this bag choice was on purpose for the interview, I have no way of knowing but it seems like a smart move if you can show you have been to at least one major cultural attraction in your lifetime. Or at least to the gift-shop. I start imagining similar thoughts of others, directed at me. "She has a Munch tattoo", they think, "That's a good move, have a famous artist's painting tattooed on your arm. That'll show them you're serious!"
It's tense in here, and this relieves itself every so often through the nervous polite laughter of others in the foyer. I feel sick. A bit shaky. This is why I am writing here, same as before. I can't do the polite nervousness just now - I am already sweating enough.
I do want to leave though. I didn't want to come in here, I lingered round the corner until someone else went through the doors and I followed in their shadow, walking directly to the more open seating against the wall.
My face has too much blood in it, or not enough. I took two Propranolol. They haven't helped yet. There's at least twenty of us here so far. More than I had anticipated. I did think I would be one of the earliest ones here though. An underestimation of the keenness of others. There was already over fifteen when I arrived at quarter to two. A good mix of people but it is mostly women. My hair is the most vibrant-coloured in the foyer. There is one person with pale pink hair, but the rest is blonde, brown and black hair.
Pray for me that the group activities don't ruin me, but also the strength that I am not worried about leaving POLITELY and CALMLY. What is the best case scenario here, what? What would you suggest? What is your breaking point for leaving? What parameters do you set?
- If I feel panic attack symptoms
-If I start crying
-If I feel too light-headed
Don't be ashamed of this.
I am already too hot and lightheaded. My face feels light.
Try your best, babycakes.
That's what you'd say to J if it was her in this position.
Why is everyone sitting here doing nothing? People aren't even on their phones. And it's not that I want them to be, it's that every other day, they WOULD be.
We're being called in now.
(I didn't get the job)