I have created this blog to write more for two purposes, and I want to share this writing for a third hopeful intention.
Firstly, I write for creative expression. Much like my artwork, writing is a primary method of honest communication and allows me to represent parts of myself which I find less easy to do so verbally and in conversation. I tend to start writing and not stop until the entire thought and it's associated pathways are out there, with little conscious effort to alter or shape the thought. This is very much like my artwork, where I start drawing and let my hand communicate images which are a surprise even to me.
Secondly, I write for therapy and self-analysis. When directed down the focused line of a pen, the jumbled thoughts, feelings and half-wonderings pour out in a legible format which allows me to make sense of my psyche. I gain a better understanding of the connections between my actions, behaviours and thoughts as well as regain control over the parts of my mind which have become toxic with negative associations and hopelessness.
Thirdly, my intention to share my writing holds a power in itself. While the actual process of writing is beneficial alone, the sharing of my writing means I can be honest and open about some of the more difficult periods of my life in detail, and the effect that different forms of relationships and friendships (or lack thereof) have had both in the short and long term. I used to keep detailed diaries up until my late teens, and after that, smaller notebooks, scrapbooks and sketchbooks which serve as a documentation of the unravelling of my mind in the aftermath of abuse and duration of depression.
I will use content warnings where relevant, but I don't intend to hold anything back. I realise that my writing may cause upset, disapproval, anger or confusion in several places, especially if it concerns my relationships with particular people, or details which others would rather not be on the internet. I accept these negative emotions, but my reason for sharing my life through writing is for the exact reason of not holding anything in any longer. Throughout my whole life I have bottled up negative experiences, traumas and misunderstandings and stored them in my mind, for the sake of not upsetting others, or for believing I would get into trouble if I shared them. These bottles have leaked into my brain, seeping toxins infecting my self-confidence, self-image and overwhelmingly, my trust in others.
Now, as an adult, I am urging myself to cleanse my mind through open, unfiltered expression. I am taking responsibility for my mistakes but also know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with sharing your own story, even if that story is taken as offence. I assure you, it's not, and that is not of concern to me when I have carried pain and nausea from trying to avoid being the inconvenience I sometimes am without even trying. This story is not about you, and it is not primarily for you either. But I hope you get something from reading my blog. After all, there's a reason I'm no longer writing frantically in a diary and hiding it down the side of my bed. I want to share my thoughts, because there's just too many of them.